I MUST remain glacial at all times. Though I am finding it very hard.
I hate liking someone. I really do. It only makes me emotionally unstable and one of my idols happens to be Spock.

You've seen me bare. I've shown you all that I possibly can. Now that you've seen everything are you still intrigued by me? Do you still want to buy me dinner and give me mountain kisses?
I've let you in a little much a little too quikcly. When I think about your smile, it makes me smile. I'm not used to that. I want to squeeze you tight even when I'm too hot because you couldn't possibly get too close to me. I want to hold your hand at a party to show everyone I'm not the spinster they thought I was. I have a heart. I have a heart and you found it. Just don't lose it or break it or sell it.Ok?

Why do I always feel this way afterwards?

You seemed a little upset when you realized I beat you to it. I've been beating you to a lot of things lately. Beat me to the chase. Beat me to the punch line. Beat me to a pulp etcetera, etcetera.
I caught you in a lie too. When I called you out on it, you directly quoted Blanche Dubois without even knowing about it. "I only lie about the things that don't matter"
You retorted that you were more of a Stanley if anything, but you're definitely a Blanche. Stanley isn't a sweet-talker, baby. And that's all you know how to do I think.
Whenever you talk to me you sneak in comments on my apperance. I'm such a beautiful lady. Such a beautiful,classy lady. I used to think you were beautiful too. But now your face is just shapes to me, And your words are just nasal sounds.

I don't want to be bitter anymore. I don't want to have a sharp tongue and a sour disposition. I always have a smart thing to say and jump on any oppertunity to make you look foolish. That's not who I am. I want to be sweet and cheerful. Always giving you hugs and little treasures I found somewhere on my way around town. I want to kiss your cheeks and your forehead and your eyelids and tell you that you aren't as bad as you seem. You aren't as bad as you say you are. You aren't as bad as everyone says you are. You aren't bad at all.
But if I said that I would be lieing and according to you I am one of the few who refrains from such a thing. At least to you.
When I am around you, I do the exact oppsite of what I want to. I say the exact opposite of what I want to say. When I walk inside because I'm cold, I'm dieing to walk next to you and steal your body warmth. When I make fun of you and call you out on your chauvenism, I really want to tell you how wonderful and intelligent you are and how you don't have to pretend to be insensitive. But maybe you aren't pretending at all. Maybe you just are that way. And maybe I should quit trying to find diamonds in a pile of dirt.

You say so many things that disgust me and piss me off. You are a complete asshole and I pity the girl that had to put up with you...So why do I deep down reeeeally wish I was that girl? I am fucking ridiculous. There is something wrong with my brain...and there is definitely something wrong with yours.

Woah is this thing dated! To make a very long story short (three months long to be precise), I liked this dude for a long long time, we kissed and he said he likes me and made me a cute cd yay happy woopie. Except for the fact that he was actually very confused and decided the very next day that he actually did not like me so I was pretty sad for a week but then I got the fuck over it and then the next Monday was my friends birthday party and he was feedin me sugar (metaphorically of course...that'd be weird). Anyways, he was feeding me sugar telling me how "beautiful and talented and sweet" and blah blah blah I was and then he started to kiss me and I was having it for about two seconds and then I did the world famous head turn and I gave him the d.l on how I work and how I can not just be his temporary fixation because I am girlfriend material and deserve better and he may be a "live in the moment" kind of guy, but it is my view that moments are consecutive and each thing we do influences the next thing we do and so on so forth. He agreed with me and said I should get over him so I leaned over him and looked at him and said "do you really want me to get over you?" and he said yes so I said "ok" and rolled over and that was that. Two days later he called me and we talked for three hours about nothing in particular, like Edger Alan Poe and insects and such but it was mostly just friendly like how we used to talk before the whole smooching fiasco.
So I am pretty much just trying to get over him. He did inspire some songs I wrote though. I owe him that. I'm just a little pissed at him and myself that I wasted valuable time and thought on something/somone that was so hopeless and futile. ...whatever. C'est la vie. Merd existe.
What sucks about it though is his ex girlfriend and I used to kind of be friends and now she totally hates me. I wish I could make her realize that it was not I who was chasing after him. I am not a chaser at all. I am far too shy for that. If she should be mad at anyone it should be him really but I suppose I understand why she has a beef with me which is why I haven't called her. I really do want to let her know, though that her friendship is more valuable than that boy. ...I almost typed his name...haha whoops. Not that it matters. Anyone who knows me well will know who I am talking about.

And good news. TIGERBOY! My band. We recorded two songs and are going to record more on Sunday and we have a show on May 17th and I am both very excited and so nervous that I want to vomit when I think about it but I think it is going to be a all around good experiance. I have always wanted to be a musician and here I am just doin my thang. I am going to dedicate at least two songs to Alyssa because I promised her I would. And she is the love of my life of course. ..It is only fitting.

Speaking of which, todat at school I really wanted to do well on the econ test and she kept laughing at me cause she said I was tripping balls and acting like I was on drugs or soemthing. ...I just really wanted to do well and it didn't help that every time I showed any remote sign of confusion or my brain faltered for but a second, Mr. White would freak the eff out and re-explain the whole thing which was kind of unnecissary...but I love the guy. Trully I do.
I think I did ok in the end though.

I bet there are a lot of typos in this thing cause I am typing super fast and not really checking what I wrote.

All in all, I hope things work out for the best and I want to show that sucka what he's missing.


BAM!

Yes, so there's this add, right next to this box that I'm typing in about a game called "Virtual Villagers:The Secret City". Ummmm...? How exactly do you make a video game out of villagers. I can't decide if it's racist or not yet...the girl is brown. I beleive there are villages in Euroupe as well?
I could be wrong.

Well anyways. My life has been...rather interesting lately to say the least..despite the boringosity of it all. All I really have been doing for quite some time is going to school, work, and hanging out with Erin, Alyssa and Nick in between.
But recently, I have met a someone who goes by the name of Nickoli Martinez. He's not really my "type" and he's reeeeeeeeeeeeeallly awkward, but I like him.:-). I think it's more cute than anything and he's very sweet. I tend to kind of go for assholes on accident and often times my feelings for them aren't quite reciprocated but it's different with this fellow. I'm not really sure where any of this is going because I'm going to be leaving for college in the not to distant future, We've kissed a coupld of times and he doesn't really seem like the guy who just goes around snogging girls ya know?
So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know if he is going to ask me to be his girlfriend or something and even if he does, what does that even mean?

I promised myself I would wait until I moved to get in another relationship but here I am, disobeying my own wishes....ugh. I guess we'll just have to see what happens then won't we.

And completely off topic, Natalie gave me the coolest japanese lamp lights. I hung them over my bed and they're rather pretty. I am thoroughly enjoying them Snicklefritz...thankyou.




Bon nuit.

Sooo. September is here and I am waiting for it to feel like fall. If only school weren't so hard and I'd lose 10 pounds, my life would be darn near perfect.
Louis is being so cute:). He made a joke about how Cameron just randomly pops up and said something about popping up at my house unannounced and I said something along the lines of "I actually don't think I would be bewildered if you just showed up. I'd probably be surprised and start cooking you something...its kind of a weird habit I have whenever someone just shows up." (which I don't know why I do that but I can't remember a time when someone has shown up to my house anannounced and we didn't end up cooking something or another) and he said "Food is the way to my heart:)"

AH! ok! Well then I'll cook all the time:D. tehehe.
eesh. I feel so silly and kind of stupid for getting so giddy over a boy but this is the first time in a long time that I have liked anyone, and he kind of seems to like me back:). Which I find very surprising because he is ridiculously good looking. I hope something comes out of this and I will have a cuddle buddy for the winter:).
The only thing I'm worried about is that whole first move thing. I was talking to Kenny earlier (it was a very untypical conversation for us) and he was talking about him and Melissa and how if she didn't make the first move, then they wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Which worries me. Also, mister Shary said the same thing.....WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE TRADITIONAL 'GUY MAKES THE FIRST MOVE' THING?! huh!? I miss that.

Is when I need to stop caring... one. two. three. GO!

I never thought I would be one of these people, but I am seriously afriad of being happy. I'm scared that I will imagine things and hope for something when I'm really only getting ahead of myself. And when it doesn't work out, I just feel foolish and lonely.

Why are me and Natalie single? We're not horrid looking and we're nice enough. Even terrible people have significant

Back to the glaciosity plan. It seems to work. But I can't be too glacial or he'll want tropicality.;)

sooo, I was very pissed off at work last night because Louis texted me and said he wouldn't be coming anymore because my neighbor kind of ruined the experiance for him. STUPID FUCKING PARANOID DUMB UGLY WHORISH NEIGHBOR. All of those are true except for the ugly one. She isn't that bad looking but I seriously hate her now. Soooo, movie nights are over I guess. :( boo hoo. He sent me a text and was like "I need a back rub, it's killing me" and so I replied saying "i'll rub it for you.:)".....no answer...MODED. God,I hate it when people don't answer texts at moments when you put yourself out there. It made me feel hell of stupid. But then he texted me back this morning and asked "wat u up to?" and i told him not really anything and he still hasnt texted me back. haha. It's not even that HE didnt text me back, I just hate it when people don't text back in general.
Sooo, I DROVE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was amaaaaaaazing!!! I don't understand why people don't LOVE to drive. I really didn't think that Sharleen was going to let me because I honestly didn't know how well I could drive because I hadn't driven in two years and I wasn't even good then, but I ROCK AT IT!!! My cheeks were so red and I was freakin out it was so fun. hehehhehehe. I want to drive all the time now.

The party we ended up going to was this hick party with a bunch of n00bs, bros, and fat slutty girls so we left after a little bit. Not my cup of tea. I went home, took a shower, and went to sleep. That's the way I like to spend my Friday nights:) lolz


I have a lot of homework. poo.

So Louis came over last night for the third night in a row and my stupid fucking neighbor (don't know which one)...(but im going to find out) called the cops on him!!! They followerd him home and searched him, his car, and his room.

He's probably hating me right now and he's really pissed off and he's not going to want to come over anymore:(

everytime something kind of good is happening, something shitty happens right after. great


I hope he isn't mad at me.

My cool as a cucumber plan worked.!!!!!!
hehehehehe. I am all smiles and giggles. A giggle fountain. Tomorrow is going to be a good day at school because I am going to be thinking about this!

I must remain cool as a cucumber and exude glaciosity and matureiosity. This is a must.




grrrr

I seriously don't even know what's happening anymore!!!!!


this is nuts.

ooooh my lord. Last night was definatly a weird one. There are so many things to say I don't tink i'll allow myself to waste that much time typing them. Well. Before the cowboys and indians party, me and brandi and teresa went to the mall and crossroads and jamba juice and I got a really nice pair of pants (they're kind of tightin the ass area but then again, what pants aren't?:[). I really feel like I know Brandi better which I am glad of. She's a really sweet girl. Well, we picked up Natalie and all drove to Brandis grandmas house to get ready. Her grandma kept asking a million questions and Brandi was getting really annoyed. It was kind of funny but I definatly know her pain. We tried to leave like, three times but one of us kept forgetting something and havingto turn around and go back and Teresa was getting really annoyed. I felt bad. We finally got everything and drove down there. All of the guys were dressed up perfect and actually looked like cowboys with their plaid shirt and stupid/fake mustaches. hahaha.
Weeeell, Cameron showed up and I didn't even invite him to come. .It was really weird. That's kind of weird right? I have absolutly no idea how he found out about the party in the first place. I made a terrible mistake by getting really high and I was seriously out of it. I saw him six times and pretended not to until I finally went up to him and said hi.
He said how he thought it seemed like I was avoiding him (ya think?) but I couldn't be mean so I acted all shocked.
There was this guy there that looked like Pee Wee Herman..so much. He was an absolute nutter! He was making me laugh hysterically though. I don't think it was just because I was high though. He was just so weird and random and Pee Weeish.
agh
im going to type more later because I kind of dont feel like it right now.

I got nominated for homecoming queen...HAHAAHHAHAHA. WHAT?!

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.